Crappy Castles

39 – Love is a Battlefield

Thu, 02 Feb 2023 16:29:06 -0000

Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies.

🏰

RE: RE: Date Your Boss!

Have you ever wanted to rise up the corporate ladder the fast way? Introducing Mandatory Speed Dating Mondays! Mr. Royals will be vetting all potential candidates, single, poly, or immoral, with a series of prodding questions and prodding... prods. The event is BYOCasserole so bake accordingly!

Kisses, R&R HR

38 – The Sleepy Seas

Thu, 05 Jan 2023 16:34:00 -0000

Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow!

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RE: RE: New Year, New You Clippings

To all Royals and Royals employees: we see that you are trying to clip your plant clone to create additional clones, and ergo i.e. e.g an entire plant clone army of yourself. Well let it be known that any attempts to unionize these plant clone armies will be squashed immediately. Squashed! Gardening joke!

Dictated but not read, Travis Royals

37 – O Tannenbomb!

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 20:32:03 -0000

🎄 Sweet silver bells, it's Ian and Travis! 🎄 And they're building a festive edutainment adventure that teaches the storied (and controversial) history of your Yuliday tree. So listen up, because there is a quiz afterwards, and it IS mandatory! Plus: attack of the Wintaur! Saint Steve sucks! And Travis spilled soda on his hat!

🎄🎄🎄

RE: RE: [AUTOMATED YULIDAYS MESSAGE]

Hello and thank you for your message! The Royals and Royals HR team will be out of office from the 22nd of Deepwinter until such time as our department has funding again.

If you require immediate assistance, please reach out to Mr. Royals at iluvbutts247@mindspring.com.

Huzzah and merry Yulidays! R&R HR

36 – BABY'S FIRST BOSS RUSH

Thu, 08 Dec 2022 15:48:46 -0000

Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch blasts!

👶

RE: RE: To all parents of Royals and Royals—

You are invited to a wonderful night of BLOPPI ON ICE! Watch in amazement as Bloppi explains dinosaurs while pirouetting across the logo of your local minor league hockey team! Buy a piece of plastic that lights up and makes a lot of noise and bring it into your home! Be haunted by the strange sensation of being surrounded by a stadium full of babies and plan your escape route! And the best part is: it's free!

Note: Royals and Royals is not responsible for any babies, possessed, lost, or otherwise incapacitated.

Hail Bloppi, R&R HR

35 – Shanksgiving 2022

Thu, 24 Nov 2022 22:48:10 -0000

HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners!

🦃🔪

Dear underlings,

Apparently I have upset Jack the Flapper with the most recent podcast and he is taking extra special interest in our employees. Mind your most stabbable bits—and Happy Holidays!

Ok bye, Travis Royals

34 – Oops! Fall Druids

Thu, 10 Nov 2022 15:50:00 -0000

OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it.

🏰

To all Royals and Royals team-members—

The employee refrigerator in the break room is there for you all to use, but we have to establish a few rules. Please add your name to your food so when Travis steals food from it, he will know who has good stuff. Also please label whether or not it includes GMO fruits, vegetables, etc. GMO stands for Guidanced Magical Organism. I know it will give you a extra d4 to get your work done, but some people prefer to not consume them Thank you for your cooperation. — R&R Humanoid Resources

33 – So Cool It's Spooky

Thu, 27 Oct 2022 15:00:00 -0000

Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions!

🏰

To all Royals and Royals team-members—

You may have noticed four very skinny duergar have taken residence in the kitchen. This is Mr. Royal's new "entourage". They are relatively harmless, though their judgmental looks may cause some psychic damage... and insecurities about your outfit. If you want to get on their good side, we recommend giving them a carton of Marl Burrows.

Huzzah! R&R HR

32 – Cursed-de-Sac

Thu, 13 Oct 2022 15:00:00 -0000

JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint!

🏰

To the witches and warlocks of Royals and Royals-

The cinnamon brooms are intended as seasonally appropriate decor and should not be ridden around the office. Ultimately this is for your protection—most all who have attempted to do this have contracted an incurable case of Cider Crotch.

Huzzah- R&R HR

31 – Kiosk Quest

Thu, 29 Sep 2022 19:15:00 -0000

In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment.

Also we coin the term "Fluffback"

Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday speech by sending us an email at wellmet@crappycastles.com

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FROM: Orange J. SUBJ: fast food monarchy

Dear Royals and Adron Please make an adventure that allows me to usurp the throne from the Burger-oise pretender and the lactose based wench. My rule would be just, fruitful, and chilly.

This is my last straw, Caesar O. Julius.

30 – 2 Fast 2 Mad About It

Thu, 15 Sep 2022 18:44:20 -0000

This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there!

IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO WELLMET@CRAPPYCASTLES.COM

🏰

FROM: dcrosby@mindspring.com SUBJ: Sent from the Trek Plane

Dear Crappy Castles,

I much appreciated your recent mention of me on Episode 30: 2 Fast 2 Mad About It!

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I will have to sue you for defaming me, slandering me, and otherwise being mean.

Thanks much, see you in court! Love you!

Denise Crosby (I was in Mutant Species)

29 – Escape from Wisconsin

Thu, 01 Sep 2022 15:00:00 -0000

Lactose sensitive adventurers BEWARE! 🥛 Travis, Adron, and (GASP!) Ian create a world that is so immersive, so rich, so creamy that it MUST be Wisconsin. Plus: How is Ian back? Did Adron actually mong cheese? How quickly do cheese curds multiply if they're alone in a crawlspace? THE ANSWERS WILL BE CHEESY!

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RE: RE: Don't Feed The Company Man

Some of you may have noticed a very hungry, very old man in our walls, in the refrigerator, or peeking over your restroom stall. DO NOT FEAR HIM. Not because he isn't dangerous (he is), but because fear seems to only make him hungrier. We've left him non-fleshy snacks by the air vents, but so far he is terrified of "future food" because it "has no lead in it". Go figure.

Updates to come! Huzzah! R&R HR

28 – Five Stages of Grief

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 15:00:00 -0000

Travis Royals and a SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST attempt to design an adventure to help one special listener deal with the loss of their favorite podcast co-host. (Note: It is totally not the former co-host of this podcast, Sir Ian of the Hills.) Plus: deals with god, Michael's Bay, and how to roll a d2.

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RE: RE: The Candlelight Vigilantes

It has come to our attention that some of you are seeking vengeance for the banishment of our lead architect, Sir of the Hills. Also that you have armed yourself with office supplies to take out the owner of this company as retribution. Well Mr. Royals would like to assure you that this is in fact "not cool, guys" and that "no stapler raised against me will prosper."

You may find him holed up in the Lactation Room if you need him—but you didn't hear that from us.

Huzzah, R&R HR

27 – The Company Man

Fri, 05 Aug 2022 00:44:36 -0000

Travis has shunted Sir Ian into a strange pocket dimension which leads to an encounter with a questionable former employee, the elusive company man. They make lemons into lemon flavored goblins by taking this as an opportunity to collaborate.

🏰 FWD: FWD: HR will not longer handle employee complaints

As stated in the subject line, the HR department can no longer spend time handling employee complaints and reports of injury. We will however be storing them in a secure location, free of possible go-gurt contamination. This pocket dimension will only accessible with express permission from someone of the Royal family line, so please stop trying to teleport there to "double check" you didn't mis-file something.

Zestfully yours, R&R HR

26 – 1st Annual Performance Review

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 01:17:01 -0000

Sometimes if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It’s been ONE WHOLE FISCAL YEAR of this podcast and so it is time to take stock what has worked and what hasn’t, as well as set goals for the future. Travis and Ian don’t do any of that in this episode. But thanks for listening for a year and we look forward to keeping it going. That is, if we figure out where that spell sent him…

Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com 🏰

FWD: RE: Please confirm the appointment

It was brought up in the meeting today about the upcoming hootenanny that was announced via delivery owl. Further discussion will be held in breakout sessions upon a henceforth predetermined date to decide which committees will be responsible for the upcoming event when the schedule is more solidified by the overseers. However, this department has dibs on the potato salad.

Huzzah, R&R HR

25 – Designing Dragons

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 01:45:00 -0000

Travis and Ian peel back the scales on the realms most beloved winged and treasure hoard lovin’ denizen to get makeover befitting of Royals & Royals. There are actually some cool ideas in this one. Also some crappy ones.

Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com 🏰

RE: RE: Lorem Ipsum introduction We have a new hire today! Lorem Ipsum joins the team and is ready hit the ground running with… well we’re not really sure what their skills are but be sure to introduce yourself to them in the break room.

No this is not a temporary hire. We really think they are going to stick around for a while and not be what some of you are calling “FPO”. This is a crude reference and I would encourage everyone to not talk about your colleagues in this manner, even if you think it is in a dead language. Huzzah, R&R HR

24 – Oops, All Tortles!

Thu, 23 Jun 2022 15:10:00 -0000

The boys make a dungeon for seven tortle bards named Sheldon. (We call that a bardzinga.) For some reason, they decide that the best course of action is to get these turtleboys in a pop music showdown called MORTAL KONCERT! Plus: Adron intro! Fancam lessons! Ian tries being a jerk! Travis is hungry again!

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RE: RE: Royals & Royals Game Night CANCELED

Coworkers-

We regret to inform you that our annual Royals & Royals Game Night has been canceled. Someone snitched and apparently Raumtheran Roulette is against company policy. Your bets will be refunded to you as soon as we hear back about some investments.

Huzzah, R&R HR

23 – BOSS RUSH #2

Thu, 09 Jun 2022 15:10:00 -0000

The boys come up with some vegan friendly bosses to satisfy any adventurer with a septum piercing. No word yet on the gluten content though. Plus: limosteeds, dandylions, and ensorceled tents of smothering. Want your own rush of bosses? Email a prompt to wellmet@crappycastles.com

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RE: RE: hi

GREETINGs EMPLOYEe! :)))))) I AM THe PTO TROLL! new rule: ALL EMPLOYE MuST solVE my RIDDLES THREEE if taking VACATIONS. if you NEED ME i will be sleeping IN PARKING DECk. thank YOU!

luv u :0 PTOT

22 – Kid Playground for Kids

Thu, 26 May 2022 13:00:00 -0000

Travis and Ian practice daddyhood with a listener request for a kid-friendly dungeon! Plus: tetanus checks, kenku shaming, and flasks of dish soap for a very slippy slide. Email the boys and they'll design an adventure for ya: wellmet@crappycastles.com

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RE: RE: DO NOT CASH OUT (NOT A THREAT)

You may have heard that our humble adventure architecture firm landed a big enough whale to keep us all in silk pajamas for the next few hundred eons! But Mr. Royals wants to stress that this is NOT THE TIME to sell off your company bonds.

He wants to stress the great danger that may befall you and everyone you know if you were to cash in those sweet, previously worthless investments, and then he clarified that this is not at all a threat. But then he winked at us, and held up a machete.

Speaking of which, our Mixed Messages 101 seminar will be happening on the 14th floor this Fourthday at 11PM. There will be wet chicken wraps and souvenir machetes.

Huzzah, R&R HR

21 – Microtransactional

Thu, 12 May 2022 17:49:51 -0000

When should you put shopping in your adventure? According to Ian and Travis, the answer is: all the friggin' time! Listen to this pro bono pod for some FREE tips on adding micro, macro, and regular transactions to every single session. Plus: dungeon bathroom attendants, scarf roulette, and the importance of buying high and never selling.

🏰

Email wellmet@crappycastles.com to have your letter ready on the show!

DM Box #1 (LEAKED PATREON EPISODE)

Thu, 05 May 2022 18:57:36 -0000

DM Box is a special, mostly out-of-character cast just for patrons! If you want more episodes of DM Box, join the Crappy Castles Patreon today: https://www.patreon.com/crappycastles

20 – The Taxman Cometh

Thu, 14 Apr 2022 15:21:07 -0000

IT'S TAX TIME! And Royals and Royals Adventure Architecture have to spend money to save money by creating a ton of business expenses very, very quickly. Ian suggests spending the gold safeguarding their dungeons. Travis suggests very much like... the complete opposite of that. And it's a dynamic like that that can keep a podcast going for two, maybe three more episodes! Plus: influencer dragons, timey wimey explosions, and a couple hundred omelettes.

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RE: RE: A.B.S. (Always Be Shredding)

As a potential tax audit looms, it has come to our attention that some of you have been filing financial documents in a very organized, easy-to-rifle-through manner. Mr. Royals wants to stress that there should be no document undestroyed at this company. Once you have gleaned the necessary information, prestidigitate that thing to the ninth circle of hell.

Huzzah, R&R HR

19 – A Side Called Quest

Thu, 31 Mar 2022 18:41:42 -0000

Can I interest you in some minimap sprinkles? Travis and Ian come up with some stellar side quests to punch up your overly involved campaign, including a fetch quest for a beholder's contact lens! Just in case your D&D narrative was moving TOO QUICKLY. Plus: Ian's got new pants, Adron's got new paychecks, and Travis is pissed about pretty much all of it.

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RE: RE: The Kids Are Alright (We Think)

Parents who were taking part in the new Royals and Royals Tower of Tots program: we regret to inform you that your kids have somehow activated the runic portals, and are scattered across multiple planes. The good news is, wow! These are smart kids! That puzzle was made for semi-competent adults! The bad news is we are struggling to solve the puzzle ourselves to go get them back. So if you are an experienced cryptographer, please respond ASAP.

Huzzah, R&R HR

18 – B.O.S.T.O.N. 2022

Thu, 17 Mar 2022 15:57:28 -0000

🍀 MAY THE LUCK OF THE ORCISH SMILE ON YA! 🍀 Travis and Ian go on a futuristic journey set in the scary cyber-port city of Beantown, MA. Including such futuristic locales as SHIPYAHDS and DIVEBAH. Plus: Murphy, Molly, and a protestant, Prius driving snake. (Adron also made a really good quiz song that you're gonna have to hear to believe.)

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RE: RE: I Hate That Dirty Water

We're getting a lot of compliments on the green tap water and green toilet bowls and green twenty story lobby fountain, but be warned: we did not dye anything! We have no idea why the water is green! USE AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Sláinte! R&R HR

17 – The Desserted Island

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 14:00:00 -0000

Hop on the eclair canoe and take a terrible trip on the corn syrup seas! And make sure to take your insulin shot while you're at it because this is a much crueler Candyland than you're used to. Plus: Ian tries to steer Travis away from his crippling sugar addiction, Travis attempts to dive nose first into a pile of pixie stix, and Adron continues to be the Necco-white backbone of the show.

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RE: RE: Replacement Royals?

Dear employees,

It has been weeks since our president, leader, and mandatory guardian Travis Royals was caught in the break room with his hands, feet, and green orcish a** in the cookie jar(s). Our rangers are doing their best to find him, but we believe the cookie jars may still be attached to his feet, making tracking terribly difficult.

So, if you believe you have the right height and screw-you charisma to play the big man, we have a client meeting coming up tomorrow and we need someone to fill his loafers. (Bonus: they light up!)

We will supply the green face paint and before you call us problematic, remember, it's your paycheck we're saving.

Huzzah, R&R HR

16 – Catboy Paradise

Thu, 17 Feb 2022 16:31:00 -0000

Kitty in my dungeon and I want to touch it! Travis and Ian craft the perfect adventure to run with an all tabaxi party, complete with fits, sits, and the fanciest of feasts. Plus: dosed Gogurt, the dunes of Purrakis, and Ian invents a really cool hand gesture that nobody has done before.

🏰

RE: RE: Still Searching for Wire Gremlins

Employees, apologies for the ongoing hardware issues. We continue to search for the wire gremlins at Sir of the Hills insistence, but none of the countless tomes that we have scoured have any mention of it.

We have decided to call four spectral exterminators that say they can trap the gremlins, but their exorbitant fees mean we have to cancel the birthdays of all employees with a first name that starts with D.

Our apologies to: D'arantha Dillon Dilda Diddy Donkey Dwayne D'wayne Dw'ay'n'e and, we almost forgot, Dre

Huzzah, R&R HR

15 – Fire and Ice: A Song of Them

Thu, 03 Feb 2022 18:00:00 -0000

Break a leg! Or several! Travis and Ian are writing a hit play based on the book series "A Song of Ice and Fire". The only problem? They don't know what that is. Plus: frozen jerky, extremely fungible tokens, and a look at Ian's feetnotes.

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RE: RE: A Cease of Crows. A Dance with Desists.

To all employees scheduled to participate in the upcoming musical production of FIRE & ICE: A DANCE OF THEM—the performance has been canceled until further notice. A very angry dwarf in a very interesting hat is claiming ownership and has sicced the wolves (figurative AND literal) on us. Apparently he has nothing else going on.

Our legal team has advised that we don't speak of the matter, but Mr. Royals insisted we send this email. You can find him crying in his green room.

Huzzah, R&R HR

14 – Dungeon Design 101

Thu, 20 Jan 2022 17:02:00 -0000

Ever wanted to build a one-shot like the big dogs??? Then look elsewhere! Travis and Ian are telling you literally everything they know about building a great adventure, and for at least one of them, it ain't much.

13 – Anger Managed

Thu, 06 Jan 2022 13:27:00 -0000

Travis & Ian are pressure testing your party with a frustrating quest through the fantasy furniture store Eye-KEA. Plus: court ordered sheep counting and rollin' vibe checks in the backseat of the Gremlin.

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RE: RE: LIMITED TIME! GET IT BEFORE IT_DROWNS!

HELL O EMPLOYEE I AM YOUR BOSS MR .ROYALS.

I HAVE EMCITING OPP TUNITY IN KUA TOA PROVINC_ES.

FOR LOW LOW $$$ YOU AND FAMILY CAN HAVE SHARE DCUSTODY OF SPICY SEXY CLAMSH_ELL CONDOS>>

REPL Y WITH MOTHER'S MAIDEN ROUTING # TO ACT AS SOO)N AS YERSTERDAY.

SIMCERELY, TRAMVIS (BOS_S))

12 – The Spirits of Winter's Crest

Thu, 23 Dec 2021 15:51:36 -0000

❄️ MERRY TIMES! ❄️ Travis is uncharacteristically jovial this Winter's Crest season. Meanwhile, Ian's socks have been soaked by the Gasoline Goblin. Must be a naughty halfling! Anyway, the premise of this episode is that the boys prescribe each other Winter's Crest spirits in a passive aggressive attempt to teach other a lesson. Plus: big ass brooches, peppermint popcorn, and Travis's theoretical spouse.

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RE: RE: 🎶 EVERYBODY'S WORKING FOR THE WINTER 🎶

Good tidings, adventure architects! (Also: project managers, custodians, etc.) We are happy to announce that this year's legally mandated Winter's Crest break needn't interfere with your dungeon design duties!

As is tradition, Mr. Royals has given us a non-financial Crestmas bonus, this year in the form of fiber optic garland networked into each of your homes! Now you can spend the holiday rendering spreadsheets in high fidelity without any network lag or technical excuses.

You're welcome!

Huzzah, R&R HR

11 – Stay in School, Stephen!

Thu, 09 Dec 2021 17:10:15 -0000

Ah, fifth grade. The calm before the puberty storm. In this episode, Ian teaches us the value of a good education, Travis insists on the opposite, and everybody learns a little bit about what made the boys the way they are. Plus the laziest rivers, number crunching, and the caper of the Watson Wombat.

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RE: RE: BRING YOUR KIDS TO WORK MONTH

In the spirit of passing on this firm's great legacy to the next generation of adventure architects, we are extending Bring Your Kids to Work Day to the entire month! Upon their arrival, please direct your offspring to our offices. We'll print them an employee badge, and put them to work collating the spell scrolls and taming the dire hamsters.

And as our fearless leader says: "Hands on education is the root of blah blah, come up with something before you send the email."

Huzzah, R&R HR

10 – Shanksgiving

Thu, 25 Nov 2021 13:03:00 -0000

Travis forces Ian to work on Shanksgiving and they dig up a letter that's one holiday too late. Plus the Summer of Toucan Sam, gravyshots, and Ian finally does his Jerry Sheinfeld impression.

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RE: RE: CRAPPY SHANSKGIVING!

Due to the recent changes in the stock options, i.e. their being worthless, e.g. leadership crashing this company into the ground, all of HR has decided to leave Royals and Royals architecture firm. Let somebody else remember your [OMITTED] birthdays. Have a great holiday!

Huzzah, R&R HR

9 – HMS Hard Pill

Thu, 11 Nov 2021 16:29:57 -0000

Ian and Travis solve an elderly heiress's hiccups FROM THE INSIDE. And give you an airship adventure that you'll never forget. Plus: cab-sav-blancs, catch-your-own dinners, and the greatest pun in Crappy Castles history.

WANT US TO BUILD YOU A DUNGEON? SEND YOUR LETTER TO WELLMET@CRAPPYCASTLES.COM.

🏰

RE: RE: BAD LUCK POTLUCK

The most cowardly among you have told us that the employee potluck is definitely cursed. And it turns out: you were right. Cowardly, but correct. Therefore, we encourage all employees to bring their largest and most impressive talisman to ward off as much of that curse as we can before digging into Dillon's dessert lasagna.

Huzzah, R&R HR

8 – Top Five Fey Facts

Thu, 28 Oct 2021 17:52:21 -0000

Learn all about the Feywild in an episode more aimless than a beholder with cataracts! if you're running or about to run The Wild Beyond The Witchlight, this podcast won't help in any way shape or form. Plus: lint types!

Email your letters to wellmet@crappycastles.com and we may build you an adventure! FOR FREE!

🏰

RE: RE: NEW CAGE MATERIALS?

As we continue our search for the rust monster, everyone will put other projects on hold and ideate new cage materials. Note: styrofoam is out for environmental reasons.

Huzzah, R&R HR

7 – Honey, We Shrunk The Party

Thu, 14 Oct 2021 15:00:05 -0000

Looking for a botanical adventure? Try these tiny trials through Travis's topiaries! Plus bug budgets, frogs unhemoth'd, and an allergic reaction to displacements.

If you want the boys to build you a daggum dungeon, email your letter to wellmet@crappycastles.com.

🏰 _RE: RE: BANDWITCH ISSUES

Some team members have had trouble accessing the server remotely due to bad bandwitch. We're hopeful that once we find her reset button, this will all be resolved.

Huzzah, R&R HR_

6 – Aunt Rebessica's Etiquette Manor

Thu, 30 Sep 2021 15:43:51 -0000

Ian learns how to be a fancy lad while slurping liquid chicken. Travis tells him no a lot. Adron makes the best sounding episode yet. Plus a new pixie, horse cotillion, and the origin of vicious mockery.

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_RE: RE: HEY. LISTEN.

We've received a lot of complaints about the notification fairies, and we just want to say: we hear you. Unfortunately, we also hear the deafening roar of an office full of notification fairies, so we will be ignoring you at this time.

Huzzah, R&R HR_

5 – Can-Ya-Keep Petting Zoo

Thu, 16 Sep 2021 15:00:32 -0000

Finally, a reason to be proficient in Animal Handling! This adorable adventure involves blink chickens, dire walruses, and Travis's crippling fear of bats (and subsequent brush with superheroism).

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RE: RE: PTO (RE)QUESTS

Somber vacation or exotic funeral on the horizon? Don't forget to submit your PTO requests! First, overcome the frozen maw of Jotunn, then skate the glaciers of the Milk White Sea, and when you finally reach the End of All Things, you'll find a lil submission box in which to thrust your form. Notarized, please.

Huzzah, R&R HR

4 – BOSS RUSH #1

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 15:00:00 -0000

The boys come up with a bunch of big bads in our first ever BOSS RUSH. Featuring The Mmmmm, Flying Slime Recylcer, Tiny Bastard, Travis's dad, and Cardboard Cretin.

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RE: RE: WINNERS DON'T USE TIME

Despite the decriminalization efforts throughout the Forgotten Realms, time is still a class three substance, and any wizard caught in possession of time will be sentenced to time in magic prison—specifically three times the amount of time found on your person.

Huzzah, R&R HR

3 – Atlantis III

Thu, 19 Aug 2021 18:29:49 -0000

Travis desperately tries to one up his father while Ian desperately tries to get a word in. It's an underwater adventure that, if anybody asks, is for a good cause. Plus mass extinction, reverse mermaids, and the invention of the key conundrum.

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RE: RE: SUGGESTIVE BOX

Once again: writing a single explicative does not qualify as a suggestion and will be shredded at once. Your cussings are overflowing the container to the point that we've had to replace some snapped hinges. This cost will be reflected in the upcoming pay period.

Huzzah, R&R HR

2 – Freaky Fredericksburg

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 15:00:00 -0000

Travis Royals and a newly knighted Ian of the Hills create a horrific one-shot that will have you asking, "Who is the real monster?" (Spoiler: it's the monsters.) Plus dire flamingos, deus ex french toast, and a close call with Willy Nilly himself.

If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to wellmet@crappycastles.com.

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RE: RE: SEVERANCE PACKAGE

Per our last email, all those who were let go today are entitled to a generous severance package. Simply reply to this email with a date and time that works for you and we'll dispatch the guillotine.

Huzzah, R&R HR

1 – Camp Aarakocra

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 15:00:00 -0000

Mornin' crappy campers! In this pilot 'cast, Travis Royals and Ian of the Hills design a summer camp for something called an eagle scout. Featuring bug juice rapids, a drider named Gary, and a peek into the boss's childhood torment.

If you want a pro bono dungeon designed, send a raven to wellmet@crappycastles.com.

🏰

RE: RE: WORK HARD, FLAY HARD

For anybody who is still trying to resist the mind flayers' telepathic tendrils, please know you will not be able to participate in this year's mandatory Field Day until you sign the Probe Consent Form.

Huzzah, R&R HR.