Imagine walking into a room full of strangers and leaving with a bunch of new friends. Sounds like a dream, right? Well, as a self described introvert, I know firsthand how hard and even a bit scary it can be to enter a room full of strangers. It's like being a cat at a dog show. But despite that, I love making new friends, and I'm sure many of you feel the same way. So how do we navigate this socially awkward situation and actually have a good time? Today we're going to explore some tried and true techniques that will help you connect authentically with strangers. Who knows? By the end of this episode, you could be as charming as Ferris Bueller, minus the charade. And at least not hiding in the bathroom all night. I'm Curtis, my good friend, who I made many years ago. Over there is Joe, and we are dudes in progress. Hey, Joe. Good morning, pal.
How are you, dude?
I'm glad I made a friend with you.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.
It's been a fruitful relationship, even though I was scared the first time I met you.
Yeah, yeah, we new relationships are always a little scary, right? Because in order to get into our relationship, and I know we'll talk about this, you got to be a little vulnerable. Even the idea of shaking somebody's hand and meeting them is a bit of sense of vulnerability. Yeah, I know. When I first met you, I had two things. You're a really nice guy. I knew you had a successful podcast, but I had no idea that you were 9ft tall. So.
The first in person meetup.
Yeah, the first in person meeting. I'm like, wow. Now, over the years, we've. I've seen you get up from your chair and walk out of the room and stuff like that. So, no, I knew you're a big guy. That first meeting. All we see is. Is from the shoulders up, and we're all the same size online. Right?
It's true. I was shocked. You're so short. Yeah, I had no idea. So short. Short.
Compliment doesn't quite work the other way around, Kurt. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish there.
I know. I like. I like being big. I think I've said that before, but I don't know why I'm so nervous in an awkward social setting where I don't know anybody.
You know, it's. I think that even the most introverted of people, introverted of people have that. I think that there is that sense of excitement, but hesitancy to say, okay, how am I. How do I navigate this, how do I navigate this room? How do I navigate these relationships? How do I be authentic, and how do I make friends for whatever I'm trying to accomplish? And I know that's trying to accomplish seems a little contrived, but, yeah, I think there's anxiety for everybody up and down the extrovert, introvert spectrum.
Yeah, you'll notice people stay into themselves or others that they already know. They don't really make a big effort to engage with others in some of those settings. So I'm not alone in this at all. But, Joe, I got this feeling. You seem to make friends effortlessly in a social setting, especially. What's your secret? Can you think of any memorable experiences when you walk into a room full of strangers?
So secret's a loaded term, right? It's when I walk into a room I have in my mind, and this isn't necessarily intentional, but it's just there. I think to myself, why am I here? Why am I here? What am I trying to accomplish here by being in this room full of people I don't know. So there's certain levels of walking to a room full of strangers. There's walking into a room full of strangers when you know absolutely nobody, and then there's walking into a room of strangers when you know absolutely nobody but people are coming. And then you have, I know this seems a little thought out, but then you have walking into a room full of strangers when you know there are a few people there that. So each carries its own dynamic. The toughest part is, of course, walking into a room full of strangers when neither people are showing up that, nor people that there's nobody there that. Absolutely nobody there that. So you are there by yourself and you. And if you want to leave with relationships at some level or have the full breadth of experience of whatever you're trying to experience, then you gotta make friends at a certain level. Or you just might as well leave, right? Cause you're providing no value and you're getting no value.
Yeah.
Now, if you're at a conference to learn and you just, you sit there in the back of the room and you get the information you want and you leave, there's value in that. But, man, even those situations where you're at a conference or a seminar or something like that, you can learn so much more by connecting with people, bouncing ideas off each other. So you ask me about a memorable experience, or how do I navigate a room full of strangers? I really do want to be myself, right? I want to make sure I connect with people, there's a common denominator you can find everywhere. That common denominator could be the desire for the cookies at the buffet. Right. It could be the color of the room. You can have a connection with anybody and start up a conversation. But I think the biggest anxiety to get over is to get over yourself. Right? You're not as important as you think, but you're not unimportant either. So whatever anxiety you're feeling, just realize it's there and just start talking about mundane things, and that'll go deeper. I love mundane. Somebody told me, what?
Minutiae.
Minutia. Somebody once told me that I could make a two hour conversation out of a pinhead on a needle or they use some kind of example or something that I can go down some real rabbit trails on what's, what is seemingly meaningless things. But what I'm trying to do is just connect with somebody.
You hit the nail on the head of what, as you were starting to talk about this, the situations I'm thinking of, I go back to my history, going to technical conferences in Disney World, where I started in 1999. I went to a couple of these conferences, and just as you described, I went there. I was blown away by the conference and the content, the size of this conference, 10,000 people, but all alone. And I do sit up at the front of the room, and the people on stage were my heroes. I was connected to them through blogs, but I really did not make any personal connections with them. I was quite honestly, just, that's a little bit of afraid. The third time I went, I said, I'm going to change. I went with a intention of meeting people. And they had a Saturday meetup before the conference really started on Sunday. And it was on the boardwalk in Disney World, and this little bar and grill that's still there, the big river grill. And I said to my wife, Margeeta, I'm going over. She was staying. This was the first time, I think, that she went with me. I'm staying at the beach club. I'm going over there. It's, I don't know. I want to say it was like 05:00 in the afternoon. I said, hey, if I'm back quick. Didn't work out that well. But Joe, oh, my gosh, they were so welcoming, these brilliant people who I looked up to, who I felt I was nobody, and they were somebody. I just connected. Of course, we had the connection of the technology that we supported and the things that we, so we could do that. And also some of the online connections that we had, and that was the best conference I ever did. And it only got better. I ended up going to eight of those and met up with those people every single year. It was like a family reunion after that.
When you first started down this path at this conference, you had no idea who these people were. And I'm not even sure you had much of a desire to know who these people were. Right. In a relatively short period of time, you're calling it a family reunion.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
I think if you are. If you're an introvert, I think it's to be reactionary because you're gonna. You're gonna be. Somebody's going to talk to you. Somebody's going to say hello, somebody's going to say, excuse me, there's.
I connect.
Let me get the door for you. Somebody's going to connect with you. And it's okay to be reactionary, but you got to be reactionary, at least at that level. You can't just ignore people, allow people to open the door for you, say thank you to them.
Right.
Or. But it's okay to be reactionary. You don't have to be the first one to engage in a. In an intimate conversation. Right. To let yourself be reactionary and stay in that safe place where you're just reacting to people reaching out to you at any level. Like I said, if it's talking about what the chicken looks like at the buffet or the colors of the room or somebody compliments your hairstyle or something, you know, what did you think of.
The chicken at lunch?
Yeah, but if somebody asks you, asks you that question, that's your opportunity.
Yeah.
I'm not saying somebody will engage with you, is my point. Somebody will engage.
That's the hardest part. You're right. The first engagement is the hardest part. Once that's over, I'm pretty good after that, you also said something really interesting, that you're not the most important person. Now take this. Years later, we're intentionally building community through my podcasts with Disney World, and I have my very first in person meetup with about, I don't know, 60, 70 people coming down. They all know who I am. I'm the focus of attention. Well, I could be. I don't feel that I am not, but I still. It's an awkward position to be in in some regards. But we'll talk about why it wasn't, it was not difficult for me because I had met all these people online, but it was still, I don't want to come out. I don't want to scare anybody. I don't want to be too overbearing.
Well, that is a situation where you're indeed the star of the show. I don't think that's exactly what we're talking about. But in that you knew these people at some, you had some level of intimacy with him even though it was online.
But that puts me at an awkward position because I got, I have to be the star of the show. And as an introvert, I don't necessarily want to be the star of the show.
Well, yeah, that's a whole different dynamic. If you want to go back to our introvert extrovert shows, we can do that.
Very related.
But if we want to, if we're talking about making friends and being in a social setting and connecting with strangers, don't, don't be afraid to be reactionary. Don't feel like you have to go in there because I tell you, I can. You people can spot a fake, right?
Oh, yeah.
Even a sincere fake. Somebody may sincerely be just trying to be engaging in an extrovert, and you're like, man, just relax. Back off a little bit, man.
Yeah, true. It's a. Yeah, it's a yin yang. A balance, I believe, for sure.
Yep.
Fantastic. All right, I'm going to give you ten ways to help connect quickly with strangers. And Joe, I'm going to probably put some of my personal examples into this and add some tips. Number one, this comes from, and some of these do come from how to win friends and influence people from Dale Carnegie. That's where I started with this research. And that book has this kind of conversation, connecting with strangers quickly or making friends quickly. But then it goes into all kinds of leadership and all kinds of other topics. This is only a portion of that. So I took my topic and researched it beyond that book. But this is one I know comes from the book for sure, is play the name game. You know what I mean by the name game?
Oh, yeah.
Remembering people's names, which is, I find that, I don't know why I find that so difficult, but repeating someone's name during that conversation and really, you really got to concentrate it or make an association with something that you remember. I've never been really good at this, other than I think, again, if I use my Disney experience in that I have an advantage because I've met people and I've set up meetings, virtually meetings, and had interviews with them, and I've learned about them, not only what they did on their trip, but there's something there that has really helped me to remember their names. And the hardest part, though, I've got a lot of people. I have a lot of amandas, for instance, that makes it hard if I have three or four amandas, I think that's a particular.
About a ten year period was where every girl was named Amanda or some name that ended in, uh.
So I feel I've been pretty good with that, and that has really helped. But your name is the most important word in the english language to that person.
How does it make you feel, Kurt, when you meet somebody that or you meet somebody for the second or third time, and when you. When they approach you or you approach them and they say, hey, Kurt, how you doing, Mandy?
Well, most of the time, it's extremely awkward because I don't remember their name.
Hey, buckaroo.
Hey, what's happening? Oh, I hate when that happens.
Hey, dude.
Nudging my wife. Hey.
Yeah.
Who is this? Yeah, what's their name? Why can't I remember their name? But it's so important if you can do it, it's a great talent, at least in the.
In the initial interaction. Use their name a couple times. Don't be weird about it, but use their name a couple times, and that'll help you solidify their name in your head somehow. But. And if you continue the relationship, which is what we're trying to accomplish at some level here, making and building relationships, if you continue the relationship, then you'll naturally come to know their name. But use their name a couple times. I can't agree with this tip more, Kurt. When you're interacting with them in the first five minutes, just a couple times, nothing. Ten times, but just a couple times, use their name. And using their name, if you've met somebody else, if you have the opportunity to introduce that person to somebody else.
Yeah.
This is my wife, Karen. Karen, this is my new friend, Pete.
Right, exactly. Yeah, I like that.
Pete's here from St. Louis.
Yep. That's a great talent. Some people are just. I watch. I'm going to talk about this. I've got a couple of. Of mentors. I think they don't even know they're mentors of mine in this area, but if they listen to this episode, they'll find that out. I think as we talk about this, you talk about authenticity, and that's why I lean to that in my intro, too, because I have a hard time if I feel like I'm not being authentic and using someone's name, or even the next one here, publicly compliment other people. I don't want that to come off as being pushed on them or. I don't know, just that I'm not being authentic about it, but if I can do it correctly. So it's hard when you just meet someone for the first time, but if you can compliment other people, that is a great way to do this.
Yeah, there's small ways that you can do this. In fact, I heard a compliment just recently when I was on this business trip where my. The person I was meeting with met me in his sales meeting, during his sales meeting. I walked into the sales meeting, and I knew the names of most of these people, but the first thing he did is he said, hey, man, Joe drove down here from. All the way down here from Cincinnati to be with us. That small little compliment about something that I did, some extra effort, really made me feel good. It's a small little thing.
Yeah, that's a good one.
He figured out a way to compliment. Compliment me publicly and acknowledge that I. That I accomplished something in life. Right?
Yeah.
And so that really made me feel good.
Yeah.
And it's a small little thing.
Yeah.
Right?
It might be. I was thinking it could be an icebreaker again, in a crowd of strangers, you see something that catches your eye, like, I don't know, at a conference, they give a lot away. Swag. I was always looking for cool swagger, and I might see something that they have and compliment that. Like, where did you get that? Could you tell? Just an icebreaker is really helpful for me, but you could do that as a compliment to someone.
I'm going to throw out a funny little tip here, if I could. When you first go meet somebody, and I don't know where this fits into our conversation, but it came top of mind, as we're talking, if you're in a room full of strangers, are you ready to laugh? Kurt, if you're in a room full of strangers and your intention is to meet people and you go to the bathroom. All right.
All right.
When you come out of that bathroom, make darn sure you have completely dried your hands. Okay. Because there's nothing worse than walking out of the restroom within a minute or 30 seconds, and you have to shake somebody's hand, and they've not completely dried their hands. Now, you trust that they've washed their hands, right? Yeah, but, man, that's just a weird, icky feeling.
I have to remember that. I didn't realize that was a weird, icky feeling.
Have you ever done it? Have you ever shake. Shaking somebody's hand? Well. Oh, man, I know it is awkward. I hope they just got done during doing the dishes or something like that.
In Florida, it's always, your hands are always wet and sweaty.
I'm telling you, that's a weird tip. But follow my sage advice here. Also, another one. Rub your hands together. Warm your hands up. And I know you're, you're about to talk about being, about earn trust with warmth. And I don't mean to skip ahead here, but I think this is what reminded me. Rub your hands together. Because when you rub your hands together and you're shaking somebody's hand, and it's a nice, warm handshake that communicates something, right. That communicates comfort and there's no friction there to the interaction.
Yeah.
But when you shake somebody's hand and it's ice cold, it may be a good conversation starter, but it's not a good first impression.
When you were putting yourself in a situation coming out of the bathroom, I thought you're going to say, one way to connect with others would be to have toilet paper on the edge of your foot as you walk out.
That'll give them something.
Excuse me, sir, but you have. You're pulling the roll of toilet paper out with your foot.
This is interesting. I had completely forgot about this guy, but when I was, when I was in the publishing business, I used to publish a group of coupon magazines that mailed over here on the east side of Cincinnati. And when I was in the publishing business, I won a couple awards for the print work that I did with a certain company. And there was a guy that came up to speak, and when he walked up to speak, he tripped over the first step. Not a full on fall, but just a little bit of a stumble. And he tripped over the first step. And he made some quirky comment about that. Right?
Yeah.
So the next year, I went to the same conference and the same speaker came up and guess what he did?
Intentionally tripped.
He tripped over that step and made a quirky comment about it. I'm like, you son of a gun.
Intentionally do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's part of his thing to break the ice, to make himself more relatable, to start off in a little humorous, funny way. And you can. He's on. On stage speaking. But when you said walking out with toilet paper on your shoe, it reminded me of that. It might be a good technique. I wouldn't discount anything. Try it and see what works. Right.
Maybe not a full on Chevy chase entrance, but it works pretty good.
That's funny.
Yeah. So you gave me the next one. Number three is earn, trust and warmth. Body language. So important. When I think of this one, and I've said this before to you, Joe, my dad is just naturally good at some of these. And this one kind of is where I wanted to fit him as an example. He knows I go everywhere. Whenever I'm with him somewhere he knows someone everywhere that we go, it seems. Or if we were in a group of strangers, he'll just kick up a conversation. I don't know how he does it. It just comes so naturally. It's a wonder it didn't rub off on me a little more because he is my dad, but he's so good at this and all this body language stuff. When you shake someone's hand or you. Sometimes you touch their. I don't know, maybe it could be awkward. I'm not talking like some people that do some awkward things, but there's some warmer handshakes. That tone of voice that they use that just seems that they're a warm and friendly person, and they're just generally interested in asking a lot of open ended questions and actively listening and really interested in other people's thoughts and feelings. That is my dad, so. Well, he's so good at this.
Yeah. Be sincere. There's a. There's some things that you can do in the beginning. Give a good firm handshake, but not a weird monster grip or not a fish hand. Right. Just be a good handshake. And don't just. I have a. I don't just give a handshake. I'll usually bring in my other hand and touch their hand.
Right.
And put it on top of their hand.
Yeah, that's right.
Or, or I'll get to. I'll come into the space a little bit and pat them on the shoulder or something like that. I do have. I am that guy. Right, where I'm not terribly standoffish, but be genuine and sincere and look them in the eye. And if you have a hard time looking somebody in the eye, just look right between their eyebrows. They won't know the difference. Look right between the eyebrows. If it causes you some anxiety to make eye contact with somebody, just look right between the eyebrows. They won't know the difference. But, yeah, be genuine and sincere in that first interaction as you navigate your way through that very early part of the relationship.
Number four is be in a good mood. It seems pretty obvious anyone who's in a good mood is just contagious. You know, someone who walks in a room and lights up a room. You've all heard that scenario. I think just being positive again, being prepared for. You're going to enter a room full of strangers. Being in a good mood is a great way, and you can get ready for that. We talked about being grateful for things and thinking of something that makes you happy. Don't enter with your shoulders slumped and crabby. You're not going to be in a good position to make friends. And I think of, again, I'm going back to my, you would think, going to Disney World. Everyone's always in a good mood, but that's not necessarily the case. I definitely, I think when people meet someone that they know through social media, and I hear sometimes they'll know a blogger or a podcaster, and they'll walk up to them and they get a wet fish response from them. And that really annoys me. I want to be in a really good mood all the time, especially if someone surprises me. And I see, I love seeing people for the first time that listen to my show. I tell, I try to say that before I go on a trip. Hey, if you see me in the parks, I might jump. If you tap me on the shoulder, like a mile. That's just what I do. But definitely surprise me and say hello. Cause I absolutely love that. Be in a good mood.
Don't mistake authenticity for being a jerk. Yeah, don't take the stance. Well, I'm just gonna be an authentic person. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna be who I am. And let. If you're. If who you are is a jerk, don't be who you are, because nobody wants to be around that. Especially when you're meeting people initially in a social situation. We've all met that person that immediately they start complaining about the room, complaining about the food, complaining about whatever.
Yeah.
And nobody wants to be around that person. If you're that person, I said this earlier, get over yourself.
Yeah, you can make fun of yourself. You can make fun of it and still be in a good mood. There's things. I like that. There's things that are going wrong in the conference. Hey, it could be a startup conversation, but you don't have to be nasty about it.
Yeah. You know what? If there's. There may be an opportunity to complain about the conference or complain about the food, but that's not the first interaction. Yeah, I do believe that they listen. If you're there and you're not in a good mood, muster up the way to fake it or don't participate, because that's not. That's no way to start the interaction. You're souring it for everybody else. And just don't be that person. And I can't emphasize that enough. Be in a good mood. I'm so glad you put this on here. It's a reminder for myself, too, because I stay relatively positive. But I don't want to be around people, especially in that initial interaction, who are just nasty, grumpy, cranky people that are complaining. And I will say this. You talked about body language a couple minutes ago. Check your body language, too. Check the grimace on your face. Don't naturally accept that you have. What is that? RBF. Right? RBF. Look up this resting, blank face.
Oh, okay.
That's where. It's where somebody's. Their natural state of being, unless they're trying their relaxed state. Looks like they're about to put a knife in your heart.
I've not heard that one before.
But you've never heard of RBF?
No.
Well, look it up.
Must be a Cincinnati thing.
No, it's not a Cincinnati thing. It's RB. Look it up.
Look at a Midwest thing.
And I can. There's times that I can be that guy if I'm relaxed and I'm paying attention or I'm listening. My kids have told me, hey, dad, are you mad about something? No, I'm feeling pretty good. Michael Hyatt, an author and a speaker. He's big in the. He's an influencer in the. I don't want to call it personal development, but personal development, business development world, written many books. I invite you to look up Michael Hyatt. He just. He does some really good work, especially on personal productivity. He talks about being in a meeting one time, and he has a personal assistant, or he had a personal assistant or a colleague pull him aside during a break, and he said, michael, are you mad about something? He said, no, I'm not mad about anything. He said, well, you might want to tell your face that.
Wow.
Because it looks like you're about to tear somebody's heart out or something like that. You have to be careful of that. Try to put a smile on your face, even if you don't feel it. Put a smile on your face. Because something happens to us physiologically, and we know this, and this is a whole different show, but something happens to us physiologically when we. When we, or mentally, when we change our physiology, when we sit up straight, when we smile, when we pull our chin up a little bit. And that does communicate to other people. And so when. If you're trying to connect with people and you're trying to be warm and you're trying to be in a good mood. Really check yourself, man. Check your smile. Check how you look. Don't be a jerk. Just don't be a jerk. Fake it. If you can't bring yourself to fake it, then leave, because then you're just going to spoil it for everybody.
Well, again, the intent is you're intentionally going to this situation, this room, to not be a jerk and to make friends. So you got to be intentional about it. Number five, we said this, make eye contact and also especially for when you're laughing, apparently that makes it even better. We talked about that one kind of already. But number six is listen intently and ask questions about the person. This is something that I've seen others do. I learned this again from going to the conferences. I didn't know anything about this and I think this works great even in online forums. I heard again, one of my mentors, Cliff Ravenscrap, said, hey, if you want to get engagement and you want conversations or you want comments in your group, ask questions. When someone says something, engage them with questions. And if you're really authentic with this and you're really interested in others, I think this is an extremely powerful thing. It's something that I have to focus on more when I'm in this situation. I watched in another personal example, I think of two of my mentors in this area. His name was Bruce Elgort, who was de facto community leader in my Lotus notes days going to these conferences. And I would just sit there and watch him work a room and just so impressed with him. All of these things we're talking about, he exude this. And his wife Gail also, the two of them were just amazing people. They, like you said, connected others with other people. He did that all the time. I just sat back and watched how he did this and he was a big inspiration. He matter of fact, had a podcast also with another guy who was a brilliant guy, very humble, but just so smart. That was the other thing I wanted to say, just to add that in. If you walk in and you say, hey, that blog post you did on this particular topic and really authentically saying, you saved me so much time and effort, I can't. Thank you much. That's a great opening to meet someone that they may not know who you are, but you know who they are. But Bruce was great at this. Still. There's a lot of connections in that community. Glenn Kessler is one of these. In my community, I could sit back and watch Glenn. All of these things we're talking about, he exudes them in spades, and he's just an amazing person and full of energy. I don't recommend jumping on the couch and giving huge hugs, necessarily. It could be a little bit. You might hurt yourself.
Yeah.
But that's something. Glenn's a big hugger. Are you a big hugger?
I am. I am. Kurt.
Yeah.
If we've made a connection at some level, when I see you or if I'm leaving, I'm probably hugging you.
Yeah. There's probably right in the wrong way to do this, but I found in my community, this has worked just fine for me. Sometimes you get that. What's that? What's that brothers movie with the two brothers. The step brothers.
Yeah.
And there's that awkward moment when they're going to do a. Going for a hug and.
Right.
One isn't one.
And you don't want to hold a hug too long. Right. That gets weird.
Yeah.
But, you know, I believe in a good. Even a good back slap. Right. Even a good kind of back rub. Not a bat, not a back rub. A back slap, not a back rub. That gets weird, too. Right. But I tend to be a hugger, and I tend to, I don't want to say become intimate quickly, but I do allow for a certain level of intimacy. Even in an initial rate interaction, even in an initial interaction with somebody, I do allow for a certain level of intimacy. What am I afraid of?
Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. And, well, this was asking questions about the person. Are you good at that? Are you intentional about that? How does that work for you? Because I bet you're good at this.
I am good at it, and I do use it a lot. And you just got to figure out.
How did you know to do this?
I'm not sure how I knew to do this, quite honestly. I've learned this late in life about asking questions.
Yeah. Being interested in what I probably learned.
In other words, I started my sales career early in life.
There you go. In my late teens, sales training would have that.
Sales training has that. But you have to be very careful with sales training, because sales training can. Much of it can be contrived and inauthentic. Yeah, but asking questions, genuine questions about somebody, not an interrogation, let it be conversational, but asking questions about somebody about who they are and what they're doing, how they get there. And don't be afraid of the common subjects. Don't be afraid of the weather. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid of talking about what happened on your way in or whatever it might be, or talking about somebody in a complimentary way. Don't be afraid of engaging a conversation that way. And when you start asking. When you start asking questions about that person, let the questions build on top of themselves. If I say, man, I see you're Led ze, are you really Led Zeppelin fan? Or do you like the t shirt? And you say, I am. I'm a fan. My next question would see, have you ever seen them live? Because, man, I would really like to see the opportunity. I have an opportunity, if I had an opportunity, to see them live, and you let that kind of build, and that'll, that subject will take its own natural path. But if I were to say to you, hey, I see you're a Led Zeppelin fan. Do you like Led Zeppelin or just the t shirt? And you say, why like Led Zeppelin? And I'd say, and I would say, man, I drove a Hyundai sonata in here from the rental car agency. Like, okay, thanks.
There's something wrong with this guy.
But that's important. That's an important thing to remember, is when you initiate a conversation, it's very simple to initiate a conversation, just like I did, right? Even if you don't know who Led Zeppelin is, you can read and say, led Zeppelin. What does that mean? And that can either show a complete sense of ignorance of pop culture, or it could show that, hey, listen, this guy is somebody that I can teach about Led Zeppelin and let that conversation build on itself. That's the best thing. That's the best I can advice I can say when it comes to asking questions and being conversational about it. Let the subject build on itself.
I am wearing a Led Zeppelin t shirt, so good job on that this morning.
Very nice.
Reveal some flaws. Joey gave this one away. You may have given away a couple of these I'm going to get into by tripping on the stage with this. I think I was thinking of an example. And this just makes you, others feel comfortable because we all have imperfections, I think when you're honest about these. And I remember teaching people how to use this new software, this new cloud software we're moving into. And I just said, they're thinking, I'm the expert, but I want you to understand I struggled with this stuff, too, when I started learning it. And I use that. I still use this today. And I tell them, I've helped hundreds of people learn this software. Get used to it. They use the old one. I just want you to know, everyone I've talked to has not only learned this really quickly, but they've also noticed that it's so much easier to build websites, it's so much easier to publish news and do all these things. You can get images so much easier. You're going to find if you really put the time into this, not a lot of time, it's pretty quickly going to come to you how much easier this is than the old software. But I started right up saying, hey, even I struggled with this.
That's important in any type of situation, but that's especially important in leadership situations, is to allow yourself to be human and show your flaws. But if you are, if you're in a social situation, it's okay to have a certain level of intimacy. And I don't know if you're gonna talk about being self deprecating or anything like that in here, but don't be afraid to be self deprecating. Now, there's a difference between self deprecation and humorous. Being humorous about it, joking about being short or joking about being tall, or joking about whatever it is, what small flaw you might have. Don't be self deprecating in a humorous way. Don't be self insulting. Right. Nobody wants to hear you say, man, I'm so stupid, I can't believe how stupid I am. Nobody wants to hear that. That's self insulting. But self deprecating, it can take on a different animal. So that's a really easy way to, to develop some level of intimacy is to talk about your flaws. And again, gauge this. Don't be weird about it. I just don't start off by telling people that you just filed bankruptcy. All right.
It got a little weird.
Yeah. You know, Orlando, or you're having some, some relationship problem, right. But some level of intimacy and showing your flaws is a really important step. You'll figure it out. Figure out a way to just show some kind of flaw. And if you can't figure out a way to show some kind of flaw, I've said this a half a dozen times, get over yourself because you've got flaws.
I found this one really helpful in today's world in that highlighting shared values that you have with other people. And many times in these situations, I'm talking about, and I really encourage us in my community, come and meet us online, engage in our Facebook group, come to a virtual meeting, be on my podcast, get to know us virtually a little bit. Because, man, that just makes that first relate, that first meeting together. Except for when Joe and I had, he was a little intimidated by my size. But other than that, I had no.
Idea how tall you were.
1St.
1St meeting was online. So all whites always from.
But we had a common ground. We've been meeting each other for many years, right. I never felt awkward meeting you all that. No.
The very first time I was just surprised how tall you were, that's all.
But my point is we had a lot in common already and we. There was no awkwardness for you and I meeting together in person.
Right?
So if you can meet people and find out some values that you share that you can talk about immediately, that just is so easy to make those first impressions.
What's hard about this is when you're going into a situation where you're just at a party, you don't know anybody, you don't know nothing, you don't know anybody. And there's no common value there, right? Even if you're like, if you go to church, if you go to church full of strangers, there is that common shared value that you can connect with somebody at that level. Right? If you're going to a seminar, you're all there to learn the same set of skills or glean the same information. But if you're in a. If you're in a social situation and there's no common ground at all, that's a little more difficult. That's a little more difficult to find shared values. It takes a conversation, it takes being. Paying attention to detail. That common value could be the pair of glasses that you're wearing and how.
You gotta work at it.
Like that brand.
You really gotta work that style.
Right?
For sure. You mentioned church. I find that actually a really awkward place to meet people because what am I gonna say? Hey, how about that Jesus guy, man.
What a good guy.
Did you read that?
That's pretty funny.
Have you read all the red words?
Yeah.
I don't know. Because it's more about getting to know them personally and what they're. What they're about. Number nine, display a sense of humor. Yeah, I think I love humor. I think everyone does. It's really a well timed joke. Really can break the ice.
Again, if you have a natural sense of humor or you're quick witted, God bless you and use it. Yeah, I lean in that direction. Sometimes I have to temper it because quick wit doesn't necessarily mean smart aleck. And I can certainly lean towards being a smart aleck. And I think they're cousins of each other. Being a quick wit and being a smart aleck. If you're naturally a quick wit, use it if you're not naturally a quick wit. Displaying a sense of humor doesn't necessarily mean you're the joke teller. But don't be afraid to laugh. Don't be afraid to laugh. Don't be afraid to acknowledge somebody else's quick wit or a humorous situation and giggle or genuinely laugh. Nothing will squelch a conversation than somebody just sitting there stone faced the whole time. Even if you're engaged in the conversation, but you don't display it. If you don't have a sense of humor, at least laugh at somebody else's sense of humor.
There's another thing my dad is really good at. He's got stories. He got canned stories. I've heard many of them over and over again. And he'll get a group of people engaged immediately and get everyone, like, liking him, because he'll tell a story I've heard him tell. And he's got all kinds of sayings, too, that people have never heard before. And they start. I took him to get his knees replaced. He did one, and then he did the other one. I don't know, months later, we went to the receptionist and the conversation that was going on, and then he went and did the surgery. I came out later and I started talking to receptionist, and she was so complimentary of my father. Yeah, I know. Look, he's different. There's definitely that, too. He's unique.
That's funny. I say, I have a saying that I have to make friends, new friends every six months, just so I can use the same jokes.
Perfect. Well, last one I'll leave you with is just smile more. I think we were talking about that. You gave that one up earlier in our conversation. It's. I think of the line in the Crosby stills Nash song, when you smile at me, I will understand, because that is something everyone does in the same language.
That is interesting. You can walk up to somebody, a complete stranger, and smile at them and see if they don't smile back.
Yeah, it's reciprocal.
Give it a shot. Give it a shot. It's reciprocal. And actually, I'm glad you. Well, we're going to talk about reciprocation here in a second, but in my resource for the week.
Okay, very good. Yeah. This is another thing I learned again, talking about community. People will mirror back to you the way that you act. And I noticed this is something that Glenn Kessler taught me. I was like, why are some people really actually nice? They're at their best behavior inside of my Facebook group or when we get into person. No, one uses foul language and he says that's because they're just mirroring back who you are and what you're doing. It's, it's all that. You're setting the tone. And that's true in a lot of situations. That culture is built by the leadership and, yeah, smiling and just acting appropriately, people will mirror back that to you. If you're nasty and rotten, they're going to mirror that back to you too.
Yeah. The funny thing is, they don't even know it.
Exactly.
They don't even know it. They. There may be some human thing intuition going on that, hey, this guy is acting a certain way. He seems to be the leader of what's going on here. And there's a natural in to mirror that. I don't think it's contrived. Now, you can contrive mirroring somebody, and I think that's a completely acceptable method of communication. If you're trying to connect with somebody and you sit up the way, and you sit the way they sit and you cross your legs, the way they cross their legs and you're, you're mirroring their posture, that's you just trying to connect with it with another human being. Some people might call that contrived or inauthentic, but listen, you're trying to, you're trying to make a connection, and there's nothing wrong with that. So there is that technique as well, to mirror somebody intentionally. But what you're saying is if you're just, if you act a certain way, people will follow that and people will respect that. And it's not even, like I said, it's not even intentional.
Yeah, I love that. I didn't know that, and I learned through again. My friend Glenn talked about that, and I truly believe that you think about it. It's so true. There are people gonna go off the rails a little bit, but then you can haul them back in. It's an exception to the rule.
Right?
There you go. Ten ways to help connect quickly with strangers. Be intentional about it. Try some of these things. I know I have to be. I gotta think about it. I gotta be in a good mood. I gotta do all these things. And you'll benefit from making some really maybe lifelong friends.
This the best piece of advice that I can give is just be kind.
Yeah, the golden rule. The golden rule.
Just be kind and don't be a jerk. And if you are just kind to people, you will make friends. You will connect with people in a group. Just be kind. And these are all techniques and tips and all these lean towards the positive, right. Be in a good mood, smile more, listen, these all lean towards being a positive person. Person. Be kind, be nice to people, interested in people. Yeah.
Love it. Joe, thank you so much for again, once again indulging me and helping me explain my research for this week.
This was a good show, man. This was a really cool discussion, like they always are with you. I love the fact that you brought up how to be an engaging person and how, even if you're not necessarily an extrovert, little tips and tricks, insincerity. Right. That you can use. So this is. I liked this discussion a lot, dude.
I thought you would. This is right up your alley because you're good at it and I have to work at it. You're naturally good at it. Thank you. Joe, what's your win for the week?
Well, I'm heading off on a week's vacation with the family. We're going down to defusky island right outside of Hilton Headdez. It takes a, it takes some work to get there. We're putting the food together and all of that good stuff. And this will probably be my win for the week next time. My experience on this vacation with my family, but my win for the week is related to vacation like always. I did a month's worth of work.
In four days because, yes, that's a good feeling, though.
I became hyper productive, got, got a lot of stuff done, answered a lot of emails that I've been putting off, engaged with some of my staff on things that need to happen while I'm on vacation. And yeah, I just felt really good about leaving for vacation later this afternoon.
Congratulations. I'm a little jealous. I don't really have a big vacation, although my community got together on Wednesday and we finally planned our New York City trip. So that was huge. We finally got it solidified. We're starting to get the tickets we need to a Broadway show and we're going to do a tour around, probably a boat tour around the Statue of Liberty and some things. So got together with a crew and we got a nice group of people going to New York City for a weekend when Kevin Curtis Allen comes over from the UK on his way to Disney World. That could have been my win for the week, but I picked this is related to what we were talking about. But I had a nagging issue at work that was bothering me and I had it 90% done. I just needed a really important part to make it work. And I had a conversation with a friend, longtime friend, and technical partner, co worker of mine, and a couple other people. We meet every Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have an open discussion to have people come in and ask us questions, but when there's no one else there, I get to ask a question of mine. And Joe, he just gave me the answer I was exploring. Why isn't this working? I think I need your help. It might be something I don't have access to, that you have access to. And when he told me the answer, I went, oh, you dummy. I think that's it. Like right off. And we turn this particular setting on. And during that conversation, it started working.
Wow. Wow.
Oh my gosh. And talk about compliment somebody. I said, dude, that was so helpful. I'm so glad you are who you are because sometimes you're staring at something and you just can't see the trees through the forest. But that was awesome.
And you accepted whatever he was bringing to the table, right?
Yeah.
You didn't try to just complete, you didn't bang your head against the wall because it felt so good when you stopped.
That's right. Oh, gosh, you saved me so much time just solving that problem. I'm going to show that off to the business this morning at some point, so that's going to be fun.
Perfect.
What's your resource? Hack or tip?
No, I don't know if I've brought this up as a resource in the past or not, but it's definitely complimentary to this episode. There's a great book, and what I mean by great book, truly one of the best books on friendship and influence and making an impact in your world. It's so good that it can be dangerous.
Wow.
The resources and the techniques and the philosophies that are spelled out in this book can genuinely be dangerous because they are so effective. The book is called influence by Robert Cialdini and I invite you to look up anything by him on YouTube and then go buy the book. It's a meaty book and it's a thick book. He talks a lot about the law of reciprocity in this book. And if you want to, if you want to have influence, if you want to make friends, if you want to build a community, follow the law of reciprocity. Pick up this book. Influence. Be prepared. It's not a 200 page pamphlet, it's a meaty book. But it may be the most respected piece of work on influence that there is.
Interesting.
It's a fantastic book.
Thank you. I've not heard of this one. I think you should do an episode on some of these techniques. Break it down. Find these. Break it down for us. Give us the.
We certainly can. We certainly can.
The best from this.
The problem with doing a podcast episode on this book, Kurt, is there's a lot there. Like I said, it's meaty.
Two episodes.
Yeah, two or three or nine. It's a good book.
Wow.
Influence by Robert Cialdini. I really invite you to either pick up the book and read the book, get the audiobook, at very minimum, go on YouTube and watch a couple of his videos. They're very good.
That sounds good. I'd like a good YouTube video. Well, I'm going complete opposite. I'm going towards entertainment on mine. I've talked about my PlayStation five. My son Harry told me, hey, dad, check out this series called Hitmandeh, because I do like that style of game, and it's been around for a long time. I bought this one called world of assassination, and it combines all three of the releases into one, and it got it at a good price on sale. So I'm gonna have many hours of enjoyment taking out some of the nastiest people in the world in the syndicate, in amazing. Just the backdrop of some of these places are just really fantastic, too. So it's a fun, intriguing, and engaging video game. Hitman the world of assassination combines all three of their releases.
What fun, man.
What fun getting hooked, dude. I don't know. It's weird.
Now, if your wife finds you in the basement or up in your room there, you haven't showered in three days, and, yeah, you haven't eaten anything other than Mountain Dew, mother, than a. Other than a butter stick dipped in sugar.
I'll tell you, my eyes can get just. I've gotten to the point where I just got to go take a break because my eyes are just like burning out of my head. Yeah, it's been fun.
What fun it is. We look at your, look at the name of your resource, Hitman, world of assassin. Now, we understand it's fun, right? And we understand that this is probably a fairly graphic game, but it's all in. It is all in fun, and it's all fantasy, and we can't be afraid of it.
They're all bad guys. You're taking out, too. They're nasty.
But how cool is it to just immerse yourself in this world?
Yeah, it is. Yeah, they do a lot of story. And the video that they do is just amazing. Like the graphics. Even my son said these video games from like eight, nine years ago, that improvement is not a huge thing. So from that long ago. So there's a lot of bargains out there that you can enjoy that are that old. So that's what I've been digging into. Yeah, really enjoying that. All right, time for our quote of the week, Joe.
So this does come from Dale Carnegie from, I don't know if this comes in directly from his book, but I do like this quote. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Dale Carnegie, I love that.
Again, this is the secret that I think I learned. That was surprising to me late in my life. But it is so true. Asking those questions, being generally interested in people, going deep, like Joe said, going into a couple of questions, one question leads to another and really finding that common interest that you have so important.
Be interested in them. Don't be self absorbed.
I'm curious. I am naturally curious. So the reason this was so intriguing to me, because I am that person, why did I not know that this was a great skill and had such great rerun, but fantastic quote. Mine is strangers are just family you have not yet come to know from Mitch Alborn.
Yeah, Mitch Alborn does a book called mornings with Maury or Tuesdays with Maury, which is a neat book. Check it out. Tuesdays with Maury. So he really, he's one of those guys that, that seems to have wisdom no matter what he's doing. And I love this quote, strangers are just family you have yet to come to know. And I have, I certainly have. I certainly have people that have been complete strangers in my life that are now like family. I can. You and I have a good relationship, you, me and clay.
Yeah.
And there I can point back to many people that this quote is appropriate for. So I like this man mitch album. Good stuff.
This is one of the, I resonate with this a lot because in doing the podcast, I was always a little awkward bringing people on that I didn't know at all. Complete strangers and how person after person that I brought on as interview, I feel this fits perfectly, like they have become family to me. And I don't think I have not struck out once. I should knock on my wooden desk here. I feel like everyone I've brought on because of that connection that we have. I had no idea that was going to be the case when I started my podcast, that I was going to become so attached like family to these strangers that I met online. Yeah. All right. Take us home, joe.
Good stuff. Well, of course. Our website is dudesinprogress.com comma dudesinprogress.com. and if you want to reach out to us, the best way to do that is, is our email address, dudes in progress.com. and you can find out about our. You can. We'll answer any questions for you if you want to, if you want to engage us about the show, if you have some ideas with the shows, just shoot us an email. Dudes at dudes in progress.com. and those we go into the weekend, as we go into, as I go into vacation, as we go out to make friends. You don't have to be a perfect friend, just be a good friend. And that's progress. Because progress is better than perfection. Just keep moving forward.
Yeah. I'm just really interested in all of you. Trust me. Say hi to us. Engage us. We would love to talk to you more, get to know you, because this is such an important thing. People are the most important thing in our lives, those relationships we make. So, Joe, go meet some friends out there on vacation. Strike up a conversation. Right?
Couldn't have said it better. Talk to you soon, dude.